


Bones, bones, bones.

by valerian_valentine



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Body Horror, Bonding, Boy Trouble, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Sort Of, bones - Freeform, lots o bones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22489021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valerian_valentine/pseuds/valerian_valentine
Summary: Dave is having boy trouble so he visits Aradia to talk about it.
Relationships: Aradia Megido & Dave Strider
Comments: 8
Kudos: 21





	Bones, bones, bones.

Dave lightly knocked on Aradia’s door, his shitty day getting shittier as each drop of rain hit his head. He had just listened to Karkat, his probably crush, rant about how stupid and oblivious John was for exactly two hours.. Right after he tried confessing his maybe crush. And then, shit got worse! He tried talking to his best friend, John, who started complaining about how weird and complicated girls were! It only got even worse when Dirk invited his friends over for a ‘big kid party’ and kicked him out, so, logically, Dave went to hang out in the park just for fun but then it started fucking raining.

Oh.

And it was fucking Valentines day.

So, he ended up texting Aradia, someone he could trust to not rant about their own dumb love life without prompting. Aradia was the fucking bomb like that.

The door opened in front of him and he looked up from watching a snail crawl across her door, staring at the ten pounds of hair come to life. She stared back with a blank look on her face, her big eyes blinking slowly like she was an owl about to snatch his little mouse body.

“You look horrible. Don’t worry, you can borrow some of my clothes.” She reassured and moved aside, letting him inside, holding a towel for him.

“Fuck, thanks.” Dave mumbled and quickly went inside, going straight for her bathroom to undress. There was soft, creepy music playing throughout the house from no particular direction. It was calming. “Is Sollux over?” He questioned when he saw a few heart shaped chocolate boxes sitting on the coffee table in the living room.

“No. He’s out trying to one up Eridan in the wooing of Feferi.” She stated, following Dave. they were already so close that he didn’t care about her seeing his underwear. “I’m upset with him so I decided to buy my own chocolate and stuff. My mom is at work and my sister is ruining dates… Or scamming strangers. I can’t remember.”

“You’re family is the shit. My brother just fucking kicked me out of the god damn house, claiming he was having a big kid party. I’m thirteen, I already know he’s just using that shit as an excuse to mack on his boyfriend then probably get into some weird, complicated fight so why not spare the extra step of kicking me out into the rain and just let me stay home? He’s fucking stupid for a guy with straight A’s.” He grumbled, taking off his shirt and pants, tossing them into her shower so they could be washed later. At least his underwear wasn’t wet.

“My sister would never kick me out for a party. She’ll imply she wants me out but she's too scared of mom to actually kick me out.” She sighed, handing him the towel she was holding. “So. How come you didn’t go to Karkat's or John's house?”

He groaned and rolled his eyes, drying himself off with the old towel. He recognized it as the one she used to clean herself off after a long bone digging session. “Both are fucking idiots. I tried admitting I had some sort of feelings towards Karkat to Karkat himself and he just started complaining about how oblivious John was then I tried contacting John so I could hang out at his house and he just started complaining about how weird girls were so I just gave up and called you, cause you are the fucking bomb.” He explained, wrapping the towel around his body like he was a girl. “Are you playing Will Wood and The Tapeworms?”

“Obviously. It provides the perfect mood for decorating and organizing my bones while I eat my chocolate and drink my sisters ex boyfriends energy drinks.”

“Can I just platonically marry you instead? Please? I’ll dig up bones for you.”

“Sorry but my heart has been stolen already. You will have to fight Sollux to the death if you want to win me over then present me with his corpse.”

Dave sighed. “That sounds like too much work. Anyway, can I have some clothes or am I just supposed to hang around mostly naked?”

“Follow me.” She lead him to her bedroom which was his dream room. There were jars of bones on almost every surface, random skulls displayed, lots of fucking rocks, dead bugs on beautiful display, some incense burning in a most likely custom made clay skull designed so they smoke rolled out of its eyes and mouth, giving it a haunting weeping look. She also had a whip on her wall, lots of books on witchcraft, movie posters and disturbing paintings. The thing that stood out the most was a small drawing he made for her of her favorite skull cracking a joke. ‘You can only run for so long!’ in big, colorful letters next to the skull. He was so proud of that.

He was pulled out of his warm fuzzy feels when she shoved a skirt and shirt in his face, her expression as blank as ever. Not stoic just… curious predator. That was a look, right? He shoved the clothes on his body and looked at himself in her full length mirror, smiling a tiny bit. The skirt swished around his calves and the shirt was a couple sizes too small but he just made it look like it was a sort of crop top.

“Is this a fit or is this a fit?” He asked, grinning at her. She smiled back, showing too many teeth.

“You look lovely. Wanna help me decorate my new bones? I also need help cleaning my new crystals and rocks.”

“Are you asking or demanding..?”

“Demanding.” She confirmed, patting Dave's arm before walking out, expecting Dave to follow her which he did. He was convinced that he’d die if he was left alone in her room for too long.

“I managed to find several cool things,” She began as she lead him to their second bathroom, the one she always used to clean dead things, “like a crow skull which I am happy to give you sense the crows around your home seem to love you very much. I also found a cat skull, multiple small bones from birds, a dead butterfly and some rodent bones. Or, at least, these are all my assumptions. It is difficult to tell when they are covered in mud and other things.” She explained, opening the door. Inside was a mess. The window was open, providing some lovely ambiance for the multiple clumps of mud that looked vaguely of bones and rocks on her counter. Her bathtub was already full of proper cleaning solution. Nice. 

“Oh fuck yea, this is cool as shit.” He grinned, lightly touching one of the clumps. “Fuck yeah, I’ll fuckin’ help as long as I can have the crow skull, that shit is legit.”

“Of course, I have no interest in birds skulls any way.” She admitted, turning on the sink so they could get to washing. “Let's start with bones first, those are always the hardest.” She suggested as she set a strainer in the sink to catch the much smaller bones.

They spent a good few hours cleaning the bones, chatting away about their boy and girl troubles, joking around and having general thirteen year old fun. Dave got a nice skull and a few rocks that Aradia deemed she didn’t need. Best part of the whole experience? He learned the skirt he was wearing had pockets so he could just shove the rocks there. It was epic.

Now, he was lightly brushing the rocks with a soft bristled toothbrush on her couch, getting the dirt out of hard to reach places and crevices. “So, I think we need to find some fish bones. I know Dirk goes fishing at the lake a lot so maybe we could go there and just make him give us the bones. Maybe we can strike a deal with the park rangers?”

“Dave, I love how you think, but I’m not sure we can handle fish bones. They’re so.. Delicate and breakable. But, I would love to have a few fish with my collection.. At some point, land animals just get boring.”

“Oh! You can use your old tank to create a sort of fish scene! Assemble the bones, attach them to the top with fishing string, fill it with water and bababoom! You got yourself a dead tank.” He grinned, pausing his light brushing for a second. “It would look so cool! You’d have to be really careful but it could look amazing if done right.” He insisted before going back to lightly brushing the rock.

“Hm… I ask my mom about if, see if she thinks it’ll work. Anyway, I wanted to tell you that you have my sympathies with your whole.. Egbert Vantas struggle. I imagine it's difficult having a close friend and maybe crush pine after your best friend who you also might have a crush on. I think it’ll turn out just fine but not without a little emotional pain.” She comforted him in her own weird way, her uneven nails tapping lightly on the chocolate in her hand. Her nails had so much dirt under them.

“Thanks. Sorry ‘bout your whole shit-uation with Sollux and Eridan and Feferi. I think you should start making romantic advances towards Nepeta or at least getting to know her so she can give you her advice. She surprisingly good with this type of stuff. Also, you two would be very cute together. She also kills her own food so you’ll have more bones than you’ll know what to do with.”

“Dave, the second I have too many bones is the day I get buried with them. But, I guess that's a really appealing option.. I’ll start talking to her more and see if I like like her or just wanna be friends.” She decided, popping the chocolate in her mouth, a look of regret immediately appearing. “Ugh, caramel!”

“Do you not like caramel?” Dave questioned, confused. Caramel wasn't his favorite sense it always got stuck in his braces and made it really difficult to eat but it usually dissolved quickly. Just left his mouth uncomfortable and sore.

“No, it's just really difficult to eat.” She spoke with her mouth full, her words jumbled and her left cheek full.

“Oh. I don’t really like it cause of my braces but yeah, that’s valid. Caramel needs to be less hard and more melty. Also, less sugar. It's just too much to be chewing on for a solid minute.” He mumbled, running his tongue along his bottom set of braces to help ease the phantom feeling of caramel sticking to the metal.

“Oh, that must suck. Aren’t you supposed to not eat caramel and stuff?” She questioned after finishing the chocolate, licking her slightly too sharp teeth.

“I mean, that's what the ortho says and that's what my brother says and that's what everyone says but Imma do it anyway cause fuck authority.”

“Fuck yeah. Anyway, I think that rock is clean so you can just set it on the coffee table. Wanna eat some chocolate with me?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.” He grinned, grabbing a chocolate and popping it in his mouth, immediately regretting it. “Gross, it tastes like fucking bubblegum but with the exact same texture as caramel.” He complained, pouting at the horrible taste and texture.

“Oh, yikes. That sucks. At least it isn't that weird strawberry flavored icing they sometimes pump into these or the weird orange flavored one. I think they specifically market this shit towards idiots so when those idiots buy it for their loved ones, their loved ones have to say they love it or risk hurting their significant others feelings. If someone got be trash like that, I think I’d just throw it away in front of them or just force them to eat it themselves.”

“Woah, hey, that's cruel and unusual punishment. Don’t fucking force some poor idiot to eat that trash, just throw it away or hide it in random places around their house for them to find months later when its rotted and attached itself to every available surface.”

“That is genius, Dave. I think I’ll give the idea to my sister for when she needs to exact her revenge on another ex boyfriend.” She praised, sipping a Monster. Just the sight made his stomach hurt in sympathy.

“Dude… That has to hurt. The cheap chocolate  _ plus  _ some fucking monster that's been sitting in your fridge for who knows how long? Yikes.”

She nodded wisely and patted her stomach, grinning too wide once again. “It feels like there is two snakes inside of my intestines, just grooving and moving around. It’s a weird and interesting feeling.”

“That sounds horrifying. So, did the snakes become your intestines or are they actually inside them, traveling around them like a gory maze?”

“Hm. Inside. They aren't moving as freely as they’d like and they are just big enough to stretch the skin a bit, enough for me to feel. It is quite weird and.. Bubbly, from the carbonation. It's like the snakes are blocking the gas from being able to move anywhere and it’s all just expanding and expanding until either I explode or my intestines expand from the gas build up and move past the snakes.”

“Maybe you just need to poop?” He suggested, tilting his head as he watched her lightly rub her stomach.

“Yeah, probably, but I’m sticking with my snake theory. Sounds cooler and much more heart stopping.” She informed, grinning as she grabbed another chocolate. “Also, don’t feel like getting up and going to the bathroom.”

“That's fair. Wanna watch The Conjuring for the hundredth time?”

“Fuck yeah.”

They ended up ‘cuddling’ in the middle of the movie, aka, Dave just rested his legs in her lap and she started drawing disturbing things on his leg with sharpie.

“Okay, scale from one to ten, how hot would it be to get possessed by a demon like that?”

“Ten, no hesitation. As long as I’m of age and consenting, I do not care what a demon does to my body. Although, I’d rather not get possessed like Caliborn. He has issues.”

Dave cringed at the thought of Caliborn. The guy was desperate to befriend his brother and was always a huge dickwad, making threats and shit. He and Aradia mutually agreed he was just possessed by some white edgy teenager that was desperately trying to act crazy or something for attention. The kid had ghosts in his blood.

“The kid got ghosts in his blood, we need to just drain him then act surprised when he dies then fuck around and do a lot of drugs in some funky plague masks.” Dave proclaimed, running his hand through his hand even though his hand dirty.

“Hm… What about the legality of it all? We can’t just randomly brain people, Dave. This isn’t the good old days anymore, unfortunately. We could take him bone hunting with us and kill him there then harvest his bones. It wouldn’t be that suspicious.”

“Right, cause people just find human skulls with weird, unique cold teeth in the woods all the time. My brother would be so disappointed in me if I did that, I couldn’t risk that!”

“Fair point. I could just tell my sister he’s been pissing us off and bothering us and she’ll slash his tires, maybe key his car. Oh! We can tell Kanaya’s sister as well. He is fairly sexist, she would jump on the opportunity to ruin his life in a second and we can get your brother to distract him. We could also go towards witchcraft..” She trailed off, trying to look innocent and natural. She always jumped at the opportunity to use witchcraft.

“Nah, we’ll leave him and his ghost blood alone for now. But one day, I want that man's head on my shelf. It would look so nice there.”

“Why do you get the head??” She pouted, crossing her arms.

“Cause? I want it more? Aradia, I’m sure you’ll have tons of opportunities to take peoples skulls. Don't be greedy.”

“Yeah, but how many people have gold  _ fangs?  _ How many Dave? This could be my one chance to get one ethically!”

“Okay, okay! We’ll get joint custody until one of us gets sick of him. Sound fair?”

“Alright but if you take him, I get Dirk's head.”

“... Why do you want my brothers head- Is it for your weird necrophilia thing?? Aradia, that's my brother! He would haunt me forever if I let a  _ girl  _ do weird necrophilia things with him!” He panicked, feeling disgusted and disturbed.

“Dave! I’m not gonna do weird necrophilia things with his head! I just think he has pretty bone structure. It's a shame he keeps it hidden under layers of flesh and fat.”

“.. Are you saying I don't have good bone structure? That's so fucking rude.”

“No, absolutely not.” She reassured, putting a hand on her heart. “I would happily behead you and do weird necrophilia things with your body, Dave. What else are bone buddies for?”

“Thank you.” He thanked genuinely, smiling. “At least  _ someone  _ will treat my body right! Also, hey, thanks for letting me stay over. Boys just kinda suck sometimes and it was nice to be able to complain about it without getting talked over.”

She smiled and patted Dave's calf, her nails lightly scratching his skin. “Of course. We’re bone buddies! We aren’t the bestest of friends but we vent to each other when our best friends are bothering us and we get rocks and bones together. Us freaks gotta stick together.”

Dave smiled and sat up, putting his hand on her shoulder. “Hell fucking yeah.”

**Author's Note:**

> not exactly happy with this but? im posting it anyway cause uh fuck it


End file.
